Thursday the Hardest day to come…
The hardest day of my life. Well 2nd hardest day of my life. I was 9 weeks 4 days pregnant. I was rushed to the for my bladder being blocked and horrible bladder spasms. Before heading to the hospital I started to cry. Cry for the reason I was worried that after 4 years of trying to have a baby and finally have a successful viable pregnancy something was going to happen. Something was going to happen to my baby. Yes I have been blessed with 2 amazing sons. But I guess call me selfish I wanted more.
This baby was a new beginning. New life that I was trying to make sure we got. This was the first time I learned how to cope with stress and try to live a stress free life. I have learned this year to live this life to the fullest. Once I was able to learn this I felt that it was god’s way of saying “Ok you are ready”. Not saying that a baby would cover all the bad things in life but it would be a fresh start. To be able to show a new life, how good things are, how amazing her or his big brothers are and how much they were ready to become big brothers.
Being told in the hospital that you lost the baby after trying for the last 4 years is the most heart breaking, and the most worthless feeling in the world. I continue to feel as if I am in absolutely downward spiral.
4 Years ago, we were so excited to start trying. I was hoping that I would great pregnant before I lost two of the most important people in my life. Not having my Dad there to protect me from all the bad things happening now, has me questioning am I meant to have another child. Does God not think I can handle another baby? Did I do something wrong to deserve all this heartbreak? Countless appointments to see the dr, appointments to a fertility doctor that made me feel worse than I did before. When that doctor told me there is no reason why I shouldn’t be having these issues, all they say is well we can do IVF or adopt. No reason, what so ever. I was healthy as a horse, Ed was healthy as a horse. So I took things into my own hands, I jumped on the “it’s all about me and my health time”. I went to the gym 3xs a week, watched what I ate. I cut all the junk out. I decided it was my time and it was time to live our lives as much as possible. We started to do day trips with the boys, worked on my relationship with my husband. We rekindled our amazing relationship. Life was working out, the house was finally being done, no more lawsuits no more added stress. Finally stress was chipping away. Finally I could stop and smell the flowers. To finally be in the place I was in, I was happy.
Now fast forward to Thursday. Please know, I am not writing this out to get a pity party but to let my friends know what I have been dealing with. Thursday I wake up like normal, happy it was my first day off since the weekend and was ready to enjoy the day with my boys considering next week they go back to school. Fast forward I’m in so much pain that I need to go to the hospital to get me better and to make sure nothing happens to the baby. My mind went straight to worrying about this baby that I have now grown attached too. I found out I was pregnant at the end of July. I just had a gut feeling something was there. I took a test and “Positive” popped very fast.
My life was about to begin.
Now I am officially pregnant with every worry in the world. All these memories flooding me now worried something will happen to me or the baby that finally stayed with us. This little Angel finally stuck around and found that we were worth the time. But who knew how long this little angel would finally be around us. We broke the news to the boys that they were going to have a little brother or sister. They were so excited to finally have a baby. They’ve been asking for a baby sibling for the last couple of years. It happened before we went to Jamaica, Ed and I renewed our vows with our family and sons with our unborn angel. I love the feeling that now I know that the Angel was with us during the most amazing time in our lives as a family of four.
Now I lay on the couch at home reliving what happened. Thursday seem to blur once they said “ Well, this is the hardest part of my job, Im sorry but you lost the baby”. Those words felt like a hot knife stabbed me in the heart. No answers to why I lost the baby, no answers why I feel this way. I am so hurt, no one is giving me answers on how I should feel, how I should be doing, what is going on? I feel like I am in a downward spiral. No way to know which way is up. Even today, speaking with 3 different nurses, getting 3 different explanations, 3 different ways they keep saying “ well we don’t know why this happens to you”. I just feel that I ask for help, and the doctor says “ Well you need to have an ultrasound to confirm our findings and to prove what they found in the ER”. Even though in the hospital as soon as they broke the news to me they wanted me to decide right then if I want surgery to remove the baby or let the baby natural go or take a pill that will help my body, move it. But of course when i ask the nurse at the office for help they are all of a sudden worried about if I am on the same eye level with them and won’t help till I get the ultrasound done. To me this ultrasound honestly feels like they are making sure no one screwed up and it feels like they will go “Ha, told ya”. Do I really need to see my unborn baby with no heart rate again and break even worse? Like i said before Mentally I feel like I am spiralling out of control. No control again in my life. This weekend as I had time to reflect on everything I feel like I am separated myself from my children who had nothing to do with it. All I am doing is crying anymore. That’s all I feel like I have in me.
So to everyone that I have missed events, birthdays, anything under the sun. I am sorry. I need to get through this hurly now more than anything. In 2 weeks I was looking forward to being able to finally announce to the world that we were adding one more player to our game. Now I have to dream that the baby is with my dad and grandparents watching over his/her’s big brothers.
To my little Angel: Please watch over us and help guide your brothers to the right path in life. Mommy & Daddy love you so much.
I have another appointment to have an ultrasound tomorrow, maybe I’ll wake up from this horrible dream and will have a beautiful baby that will be in the ultrasound. So here’s to hope and a whole lot of prayers.
Mom's Life with Boys 